#22: Case study 1 - How retention principles saved a marriage...

This post is written for you if you’re having relationship problems with your spouse or romantic partner. 

By the end of this post, you’ll:

- Understand how to “retain” your other half and prevent unnecessary conflicts.
- Discover the core retention principles at work behind lasting relationships.
- Know what you should and shouldn’t do whenever any disagreements arise.  

If you’ve been following my content, you should know there are 3 types of retention by now:
1) Forced retention
2) Utility retention
3) Voluntary retention

Refer to post #15: The 3 Types Of Client Retention if you’ve no idea what I’m talking about. 

To avoid any confusion, it’s voluntary retention principles that saved a marriage.
Voluntary retention is when people are happy to stay in the relationship.
They stay willingly without any other external forces acting on them.

As usual, no names will be mentioned in the case study to protect the identity of the persons involved. 

Ready?

How I met the client?
My client bought a low-ticket offer from my funnel for about $40.
I fulfilled every item I promised.
As a form of overdelivery, I even provided bonus LIVE sessions.
I shared my knowledge about funnels, offers, and copywriting. 

The client then decided to join my group coaching at $125/month. 

Notice that I wasn’t teaching about retention back then?
You’re right. I wasn’t.
At that time, I hadn’t gotten clear about my niche and who my ideal client is yet. 
So I imparted the years of knowledge I gathered in marketing…
Shared my unique insights…
And perspectives that no other gurus provided. 

I only talked about the truth.
I only shared what I did.
I walked my talk.
I didn’t create gimmicks or marketing fluff to sell more stuff. 

It’s important to me that I only get paid based on the value I provide.

Pause for a moment.
How many retention principles did you spot me using so far?

I prioritized people > profits.
I Fulfilled my promises in the offer.
I Overdelivered by giving my clients more than they paid for.
I maintained Consistency and Congruence throughout.
And I’m Authentic. I’m not putting up a performance. I genuinely care for my clients.

Yup, the FOCA framework is used here.
Even though at that time, I didn’t have a name for it. 

What I observed about the client?
I started my career as a therapist.
That helped me to develop sharp observation skills.
I was also trained in NLP.
So I’m very aware of human behavior and language patterns. 

I observed that the client wasn’t really moving her business forward.
She appeared distracted.
And she often did not complete the assignments I had given her.
Even when I’ve written the copy for promoting her offer…
She didn’t post it to attract clients.
I decided to tackle the issue and find out more from her. 

From our conversation and a short activity…
I discovered that she values family more than business.
And she was having family issues:
Her husband had moved out of the house. She was on the verge of divorce. 

I knew that further coaching wouldn’t help in her business.
It would be a waste of her time and money if she’s not implementing what I shared with her.

I decided to do what many business coaches can’t and won’t do.
I offered to help her fix her marriage. 

This wasn’t part of a business coach’s job scope.
But as an ex-therapist, I saw the client holistically.
And I'm able to diagnose the root cause of the rocky marriage.
I have the skills to solve this problem.
So, why not?

What pushed the marriage to the verge of collapse?
Poor communication skills. 

The client and her husband still loved each other.
The husband visits often despite moving out of the house.
But they usually quarrelled halfway through conversations.
Because both felt unseen, unheard, and misunderstood.
Neither side felt valued and respected.

But the truth is… They express love differently.
Their love language is different.
The husband requires words of praise and affirmation.
My client speaks her mind and doesn’t sugarcoat stuff.

Whenever the husband did something for her and expected praise…
He didn’t get it.
Then he felt disappointed.
Matters got worse if my client said things that made him feel rejected.

For example:
The husband drove to visit my client despite a huge storm.
He wanted to keep her company.
Upon entering the house with his wet raincoat…
My client immediately asked him to remove his shoes.
So that the floor won’t get dirty.
You can imagine how the husband felt.

What interventions did I prescribe?
I shared these principles about human behaviors with my client:

1) There’s a driver behind every action.
People do things for a reason. You have to understand the motivator behind the action. So people will feel seen, heard, understood, and valued. 

For the client’s husband, his love language is service and words of affirmation.
That’s why he always helps my client to do stuff, such as carrying groceries and fixing the pipe. 

2) Every behavior is driven by a core human need.
This is an extension of the first point.
I read about the six core human needs by Tony Robbins:
i) Certainty
ii) Uncertainty
iii) Love
iv) Significance
v) Contribution
vi) Growth

The husband is looking for love, significance, and contribution through his actions.

3) The map is not the territory.
This is one of the presuppositions I learned in NLP.
It’s also one of the most useful when dealing with relational conflicts.

Conflicts arise because each party is trying to protect its ego.
They want to be right and prove the other person wrong.

But the truth is… Neither party is right nor wrong.
They’re just seeing things from different perspectives.
They’re focusing on different things. 

Remember the example about the husband visiting my client during a storm?
The husband is focused on the well-being of my client.
My client is focused on the dirty floor caused by the wet shoes.
Her mind had already thought about the aftermath of cleaning the floor.
Who’s right, who’s wrong?
No one.
As long as one party seeks to understand the other person, and not choose to blame…
Conflicts can be resolved easily. 

Once the perception about someone changes, the way you relate to them changes.
Because now you understand what’s going on behind their every move.
You realize your past interpretations about the person may be all wrong.
They’re just your own interpretations. They’re not the truth.

My client said to me with her eyes lit up, “I never saw my husband this way before. I didn’t think everything he did was for me.”

What skills did I impart to my client?
Changing mindset and perception is only the first step.
My client still needed the skills to learn how to communicate with her husband.
The goal is to leave the unhappy past behind and move forward together with confidence.

These are some skills I imparted to her:
- Listen to understand, not to reply. 

Genuinely be interested in what the husband is saying.
Don’t jump to conclusions.
People feel safe when they know you genuinely care to understand.
People’s defenses go up when they feel attacked. 

- Identifying and using presuppositions.
These are powerful language patterns that bypass the subconscious mind. 

Examples:
i) When are we meeting next week?
This sentence presupposes: We are meeting next week. 

ii) Let’s stop quarrelling and look at things objectively.
This sentence presupposes: We are already quarrelling. We are not looking at things objectively right now. 

Misunderstandings usually happen when people try to read minds.

If my client knows how to identify presuppositions, she wouldn’t interpret things her husband said based on her assumptions.

- Future pacing
This allows people to look forward to a brighter future together. It instills positivity, putting people in a hopeful state. 

Example:
I love the way we’re communicating with each other right now. How do you think life will be like for us in the future? What do you look forward to?

What happened next? Did it work?
During one of the coaching calls, my client and her husband showed up together.
They talked about how their relationship improved.
They were thankful that I fixed their marriage and prevented an unnecessary divorce.
My client told me they’ve attended marriage counselling and family therapy sessions before… But their conflicts didn’t stop.
They were amazed it worked this time after my intervention.

The retention principles at play…
You can refer to the Retention Architecture Model in blog post #8.

Firstly, there is alignment.
My client and her husband wanted the marriage to last.
I wouldn’t be able to help if any party had already given up.
Misalignment leads to retention failure.

Secondly, let’s look at the execution.
My interventions are based on this premise: Every person likes to feel valued and respected.
Through my processes, my client learned not to be judgmental about her husband’s actions.
She learned to listen and understand what her husband wants.
She learned communication skills that put her husband in a positive state. 
The husband feels valued and respected.
He feels whatever he has done for my client is validated.

Thirdly, let’s look at the “Meaning” layer.
Since my client is giving verbal reinforcements to the husband whenever he helps out…
It makes him feel loved and appreciated.
This gives the husband meaning to stay on…
And continue the acts of service. 

By now, I’m sure you can see how those retention principles apply to business and to personal relationships, too.
Disagreements aren’t resolved by raising voices at each other.
Nor are they grounds to start insulting each other and escalating to a fight.
Those only make matters worse and lead to a broken relationship.

Disagreements are resolved by remaining calm…
And understanding each other.
So that a win-win solution can be worked out together. 

It’s never about appeasement.
Because resentment grows if one party always gives way to the other.

When emotions are heated… Give each other some time to cool off and calm down.
No one’s listening when they’re emotional.
Feelings have overridden logic. 

If you’ve tried everything I’ve shared and it didn’t work…
You may want to check for alignment first.
Do you and your partner share the same goals in life?

If you didn’t diagnose the right problem that’s happening in your relationship…
Then, of course, blindly copying what others do doesn’t help.
You should focus on learning the principles I’ve shared so far. 

Principles don’t change.
Strategies and tactics do.
Always prioritize People first.
It’s hard for relationships to fail when people know you really care for them.

This is what the People > Profits movement stands for.
It's not just about business.
It applies to every relationship that matters.

If you've read this far and it resonates...
Welcome home. 

- Herek